High heels and bras are cancelled - The Indian Express

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Written by Vatsala Mamgain | New Delhi | Published: July 26, 2020 6:55:03 am

As a wise man called Anonymous once said, there’s no time like the present; but if the present doesn’t feel like a gift, the last thing you need is a watch. (Source: Getty Images)

So we stand together — all of humanity, plus the aliens who convene and attend webinars — in the dark belly of 2020, wondering how to get out of this toilet bowl of a year. It reminds me of a similar time in history, when it seemed like all hope was lost, and Mahatma Gandhi famously said, “This sucks. I want my Mummy.”

The father of the nation was, as always, bang on the money. There is no situation, including a global pandemic, where the addition of Mummy isn’t likely to make things better. Or, if not better, then same; except with cake. Which is the very definition of better.

But there are a few things that are the molecular opposite of Mummy, that won’t make the times any better. Here’s the not-Mummy list of objects, the vestigial organs of our pre-COVID, pre-lockdown existence, that are absolutely useless to us in lockdown:

l Watches: It’s ironic because the one thing that this lockdown has gifted us is vast tracts of time. Time earlier spent on commuting and competitive consumption is now spent meaningfully — squinting 27.3 hours every day at screens and the remaining 27.3 hours attempting to redistribute domestic dirt. As a wise man called Anonymous once said, there’s no time like the present; but if the present doesn’t feel like a gift, the last thing you need is a watch.

l Bras: The single biggest winner of the lockdown (ok, double biggest winners) have been women’s breasts, taking advantage of self-isolation to throw off the underwired yoke of oppression. The few times in lockdown that have necessitated wearing one have been greeted by most women with the puppy-like enthusiasm that condemned prisoners reserve for jailers escorting them to the noose. It’s done, it’s dusted, the postmortem will make it official, but the swab tests will prove beyond a doubt that COVID killed the bra.

After months of this joyous union, it’s no wonder that most of us have been thanking our stars that whatever COVID-related belt tightening we may have to do, at least it won’t be with the actual, physical belt. (Source: Getty Images)

l Laptop bags: Lockdown has revealed the true purpose of laptop bags, which is to lie around, trapping all the dust bunnies that inexpert jhadoos cannot. At this point, all laptop bags have been seized and hauled off to a planet called Somewhere Out Of the Way. Things never ever find their way out of there, so it’s definitely tata, goodbye.

l Belts: It’s a scientific fact that calories consumed wearing comfy track pants are four times more likely to attach themselves lovingly to your body. After months of this joyous union, it’s no wonder that most of us have been thanking our stars that whatever COVID-related belt tightening we may have to do, at least it won’t be with the actual, physical belt.

l Lunchboxes: I have never ever met a lunchbox I didn’t like, so, for me, this is a huge blow. Lockdown has meant that the lifecycle of food has simply skipped the lunchbox stage. It is now transferred straight from the pan to the mouth, without a stop at the lunchbox station. What a sad loss for the panting, drooling, anticipation industry.

Lockdown has meant that the lifecycle of food has simply skipped the lunchbox stage. (Source: Getty Images)

l Heels/ sandals/ dress shoes: Like pedigreed pets six months after adoption, they have been completely abandoned. Given that for most of us, our exercise routine has consisted of sitting slack-jawed in front of a screen, allowing the fat cells in our thighs to mate and have huge litters, we have had no need for shoes. At best, we have walked to the fridge to get a snack, which, strenuous as it is after a whole day of thigh breeding, requires just one pair of flip-flops. Essential workers and those who needed to walk home will, of course, have needed relief for their soles, but overall, in 2020, the more well-heeled you are, the less well-heeled you have needed to be.

l Suitcases: The most utterly, completely, supremely useless objects of 2020 have all been put away, packed to bursting with metro passes, ties, sunglasses, razors, makeup, dinner jackets, trousers, contact lenses, perfumes and swimsuits. Stuffed somewhere between these are remnants of what life felt like pre-COVID — memories of dark bars and dinner parties, swimming pools, airport lounges, school sports days, affectionate hugs and dreams of haircuts, massages and holidays.

Whether or not I claim anything else from the detritus of this year, those are the things that I can’t wait to retrieve. You?

(Vatsala Mamgain is a glutton, cook, runner, tree lover, shopper, reader and talker)

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July 26, 2020 at 08:25AM
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High heels and bras are cancelled - The Indian Express

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