When word got out about the Gigaleak everyone wanted to see exactly what kind of secrets Nintendo had been hiding from the world. And boy howdy were we not disappointed. Thanks to the Gigaleak we know now that Luigi has been inside Super Mario 64 this whole time, an unfinished Pokemon MMO was in the works, and a new 2D Zelda game was possibly planned but never completed. Nintendo never intended to divulge any of this information to the general public. Yet, somehow, we now have access to a treasure trove of gaming history.
But screw all that stuff look at this long Yoshi! Look at him!
I love him and he must be protected at all costs.
The Sweetest Long Boy
Long Yoshi is something most people didn't know they wanted until now. Sure, everybody loves regular Yoshi. He's a cute dinosaur that you get to ride. Plus, he comes in a variety of colors and his digestion system somehow turns other species into weaponized eggs. How can you possibly hate a multi-colored dinosaur steed that craps out ammo? You can't, you just can't.
However, there is something disposable about Yoshis. Every gamer at some point has jettisoned their dino-pet to gain extra height during a tricky jump. You might feel bad at first, but then you just bash your head into a question block and get another one. It's like a rent-a-car service only instead of returning your vehicle to the nearest location you're tossing a living creature off a cliff. Aside from that, it's the same idea.
But Long Yoshi is different. Look at those eyes. While plain, old Yoshi may have some affection for Mario, Long Yoshi seems to adore the chubby plumber with the same admiration that a Golden Retriever puppy has for its master. Combined with that boop-able snout, it's just too damn cute to sentence to a horrific, vertical demise. I couldn't bear to sacrifice one just to make it to some unreachable ledge. The guilt would eat me up inside. If the option was to either murder Long Yoshi or be unable to continue the game, then I'd rather spend the rest of my days finding berries for my hungry, skinny boy to eat.
Which might be why he wasn't chosen as Yoshi's official design. If Long Yoshi was the Yoshi we all know and love today, then a lot of gamers would have had problems making it through Super Mario World. Every time an enemy bumped into him and sent them frantically running back and forth it would have triggered a panic attack in every player. I don't want to see my green string-bean Yoshi in distress. I want to see him frolicking through the woods with the rest of his rainbow-colored brethren. When it comes to game design, he would have been a major problem for progression as most people wouldn't want to take him further into levels for fear of hurting this innocent, majestic beast.
We Don't Deserve Long Yoshi
Long Yoshi is too pure for this world. Nintendo knew this, which is why they locked him away for our own good. We needed the Yoshi that we got. One that wasn't afraid to get their hands dirty and take a hit for the team. One that knew the risks of going along with Mario's quest for vengeance and was willing to give its life for the cause. Our Yoshi is a strong Yoshi that can spit fire, fly, and dissolve enemies in its stomach acid. It is the Yoshi meant for the violent world of man. Nintendo was right to keep this from us. Now, we will always wish for a time of peace where our Yoshis could be lean and untainted by sin. A time that will never come.
And for that, I say curse you leaker of the Gigaleak! I did not ask for this unholy knowledge! My soul yearns for a Long Yoshi of my own and now I will die forever haunted by visions of a future that can never be! Curse you Gigaleaker! CURSE YOU!
August 09, 2020 at 11:29PM
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